Maybe We Do Need To Follow Our Passion
I don’t like my job and my life is so unfulfilling.
Today, while taking a shower, I finally broke off. I had held it and brush it off as a mere random thought, but I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I don’t like my job and my life is so unfulfilling.
I hate myself for putting money before passion.
For the context, I majored in Biology and focused on the Animal Conservation field. A job as a Conservationist might be fulfilling, but the salary is nowhere near enough to fulfill your basic need.
Yet, even with salaries that low, many of my peers choose to sacrifice their youth for passion. Their income has been stagnant for years, whereas if you spend those years working in a startup or a small corporation, you can get a quintuple of that salary.
I thought they are stupid.
I was so sure that I wasn’t one of them and will never be. I am pretty confident that I could love every type of job. I don’t believe in passion.
I hate the idea of being a starving artist. Why would you do that when the current trend is to hustle and retire early?
Money or Passion?
I wasted four months after graduation thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.
I wanted to earn money and focus on that goal for some years after graduation. I want to pivot my career into the path where the money often wanders around, the IT industry. A career as a developer seems tempting, but I have practically zero skill in that field.
But, I could apply to the Conservation NGOs, too. I have plenty of experience as an unpaid research volunteer for over a year, one of my dreams when I was a fresh grad.
I did love the time I spent there. I loved being surrounded by the nature. I loved it when I was surrounded by fellow researchers and our convos got scientific and my curiosity spiked high. I loved it when I discovered that I love teaching kids and I loved every interaction I had with them.
But I was not loving the money. I think it was inhumane to pay the wage that low. Money — that’s what I want.
So, I chose to work in Customer Service at an IT company. I am so lucky that the company facilitates cross-division — so I have a chance to maybe someday, work as a developer. The company also respects the work-life balance, the salary is in the mid-range for fresh grad, and I get to work remotely.
Conservation NGO would pay me less than a third of my current salary and I would have to work 6 or 7 days per week with a random work hour.
I had no regret and I am so grateful that I got the chance to join my current company despite having practically zero experience.
Until my friend got accepted for a scholarship to continue her master's degree.
The Regret
After I finished the intense 8 weeks of training, I scrolled via LinkedIn and found a post made by a friend. She shared that she will be attending university again — thanks to the scholarship.
I was stunned for a moment. Was it envy? I don’t know.
Maybe it was a realization that I could’ve chosen that path instead of diverging to this entirely new track. Maybe I could’ve continued living the familiar life working as a scientist and do not have to endure the interrogation I conduct to myself every day.
“Do you love what you’re doing right now?”
To Continue or to Leave
Have I reached a conclusion? No. I still ask myself every day, “What do you actually want to do?”
I still get jealous whenever my friend shared her journey on social media. I often reminisce about the time I spent as a scientist. I still question whether I made the right decision to leave the conservation field.
However, I don’t think a dream should be pursued right away. It enhances the excitement, the anticipation, and you can also romanticize the heck out of your dream.
I think it is okay to delay your dream.
And who knows? I might reinvent my dream and come to accept and enjoy what I am doing right now. There is plenty of time to think about that.
Because it is okay to change my own mind.
